Saying Goodbye

“I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up, and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord, my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me. O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave…”
When I first heard that my father had died, I grieved in a deep way. I felt like darkness was closing in around me, and I experienced a terrible suffocating feeling. It was the most miserable feeling in the world. It came over me in waves, and I feared that my life would be overcome by grief and constant mourning.
I cried out to the Lord, literally crying loudly, “Jesus, please help me! I didn’t want him to die! Please, help me!” I felt like I couldn’t handle the grief that was threatening to overtake my life. That first night, I couldn’t even eat dinner. I just wasn’t hungry. I felt sick to my stomach, and that terrible suffocating feeling was choking me. How could I accept that I would never see my daddy again here on earth? 
Planning the funeral was a painful process. Looking through family photos for the slideshow, deciding on all of the details—it was completely overwhelming for my mom, brother, and me.
Even though it seemed that nothing would ever make me smile again—that the grief would take over my whole life and make me want to die myself—that period didn’t last long. Only a few days.
After those few days of misery, I was lifted up and carried on the prayers of so many family members and friends, including those of you who have been faithfully praying for me and my family. You’ll never know how much that means to me that you would pray for us.
On the day of the funeral, I was fearful that the grief would envelope me again and that I would never be able to stop crying. But instead, I was surprised by the unshakable peace and joy that I experienced. As we remembered and honored my dear father, even though tears filled my eyes, I had a peace in my heart that was completely wonderful. I was literally carried through the experience. 
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
My dad passed away on Monday the 29th. The funeral was on Friday, March 4th. We had decided he would be buried in Kansas (where he grew up), next to his father. So then we had to travel out there that Sunday for the burial on Monday the 7th. It was about a nine-hour drive. My husband had to work, so I went with my mom and brother.
The day of the burial dawned sunny and clear. My dad always thought Kansas was the most beautiful place he’d ever seen. He loved the wide open spaces and the broad expanse of sky. 
More friends and family gathered for this memorial service for my dad. A few tears slid down my face during the service, but the same peace that upheld me through the funeral held me up now.
The cemetery where my dad is buried is out on the Kansas plains. This is the view across from the cemetery. (Dad would love this view. He would think it was absolutely beautiful.)
There are times when the grief returns. Like when I remember that Dad isn’t here anymore, and I’ll never hug him and smell the scent of his cologne again. I’ll never see him outside on his tractor again. He’ll never again help my youngest son build a fire in the fireplace, or pass on his wisdom about computers to my oldest son. He’ll never rock his great-grandson again. He’ll never compliment my daughters on their piano-playing again, or sing “Happy Birthday” and then serve his homemade vanilla ice cream. Oh, my heart catches in my throat just typing these thoughts.
But I’m going to be okay. Grief is hard and raw and painful. But God is good, and He is carrying me through this difficult time. And I believe I will see my dad again someday in heaven.

Thanks again so much for praying for us.

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, to the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.” 


Scriptures taken from Psalm 30:1-3,5,11-12

12 Comments

  1. I'm so sorry Joy! I had no idea. We will keep you and your family in our prayers during this hard time! Always remember the Lord is here to comfort you and loves you and will help you through this!

    Reply

  2. Yes, you will be together again one day in Heaven and, in the mean time, you have memories which can never be taken away.
    Hugs and prayers,
    Anne

    Reply

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