Trusting God in the Dark
Almost a week ago (Monday) I received an early morning phone call from my mom that my dad was in the hospital. He was in excruciating pain and had begged my mom to take him to the ER here in town. After accessing the situation (he had a blood clot that lodged in his intestines) they told him he needed surgery to remove the blood clot and would have to be life-flighted to a larger hospital over an hour and a half away.
By the time I got to the hospital he had already been taken back for surgery and no one knew if he was going to make it or not. Hours later, when we finally got to see him, he was unconscious in the ICU, on a ventilator and looking barely alive.
I wanted to cry when I saw him lying there so lifeless on the hospital bed. He had wires everywhere. IV’s, an NG tube, blood pressure cuffs, etc. There was hardly anyplace on his body that didn’t have a wire of some kind, it seemed. I was able to keep from crying there in the ICU, but just barely.
As I made the long drive home in the dark by myself, I let all the pent-up sorrow and fear and grief come out. I cried and cried and cried. When I finally made it home to my family, then I cried some more. I spent the next day (Tuesday) praying and fasting and crying. It seemed that any mention of my dad or any kind word from a friend would just make me cry again. I couldn’t control it. My eyes were all red and puffy from so much crying.
Wednesday, my dad had another surgery. I drove up to see him that afternoon, and he was off the ventilator and sitting up. He still looked weak and wasn’t himself, but at least he was alive, and he smiled when he saw me. I was able to visit with him, tell him I loved him, and kiss the top of his head before I left to go home. I felt like I had cried every tear I had, and I didn’t need to cry anymore, which was such a nice feeling.
Thursday I drove back up to see my dad. My mom and brother were also there. But Dad’s pain medication had been changed and he couldn’t even communicate with us this time. It was horrible to see. The nurses agreed that it seemed like too much, so they cut the dosage in half, then eventually lowered it even more. Still, he stayed the same. A new nurse came on duty who wasn’t as nice as his other nurses. My mom and I spent that night at my in-laws’ house since they just live a few blocks from the hospital.
Eating way more fast food than I prefer…
The next day (Friday) they moved my dad out of ICU and into a regular room. I was disappointed when I got to the hospital that morning. He still seemed extremely drugged up. They decided to completely turn off the IV pain medication. I spent about 12 hours at the hospital that day. I talked to doctors and nurses, met with the hospitalist, and spoke to his vascular surgeon. The vascular surgeon told us Dad “must have had someone looking out for him” because he could have died, and she said she wasn’t sure he would live when she did the operation.I had a sweet heart-to-heart talk with my brother that night in the hospital lobby. We were both tired and weary and depressed. But it was so good to be able to talk about everything. My brother suggested we pray for Dad before we left the hospital, and I’m so glad we had that time together.
I got home Friday night/Saturday morning at 12:00 a.m. I was so exhausted that I could hardly stand up. I hadn’t slept well away from home on Thursday night, so I had barely had any sleep and then the stress of everything had been so draining.
Yesterday (Saturday) I just felt like I had completely burned out. I was so, so tired and couldn’t seem to bounce back. I stayed in my p.j.’s all day and didn’t do much at all. I went to bed earlier last night and slept for about 10 hours. And finally I feel better today!
My poor mom is still up at the hospital and not getting much sleep at all. But she seems to be doing okay. My brother has been there a lot, and his older children and my sister-in-law have also been there, so Mom has lots of support. She’s also been able to go and eat, shower, and nap at my in-laws’ house (they’re the most hospitable and generous people ever!). My dad is still working to recover. After removing his NG tube prematurely, they then had to put it back today since he was vomiting non-stop.
My husband and children have been going over to my parents’ house twice a day to feed their animals and gather eggs from the chickens. Thankfully it’s just a 10-minute drive, but now that there’s snow outside it’s a bit more complicated and so cold!
This has been a very difficult and trying week for my family. At one point I was really struggling with depression over all that was happening (unkind nurses, doctors who didn’t communicate well, physical therapy never showing up despite the vascular surgeon saying he needed to walk to get better, watching my dad suffering, etc.).
Here’s what I read in my Bible today:
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” ~Matthew 10:29-31
The context of these verses is talking about persecution and not fearing those who can kill the body but not the soul. However, it comforted me just to be reminded that God is watching over us and knows all things. Nothing happens to us apart from His will. This enables me to rest when I can’t control what is happening to my dad or another of my loved ones. I can trust in God.
The night when I was driving home and it was almost 12:00 a.m., I was thinking some dark thoughts. I wondered if God was really watching over us. I wondered if He was really hearing all the prayers I had been praying for years. I was so tired and I had the window open to the freezing night air, trying to stay awake on the winding country road. I had some vanilla chai tea I had picked up from Target before heading out (hoping it had some caffeine in it!). I turned on some music and cranked it up louder than I usually listen to it—trying to stay awake! Just as I was looking at the yellow moon that was directly in front of me on the horizon line, saying to God, “Are you really there? Do you even see me?” this song came on (Not Forgotten by Ryan Stevenson):
I love these lyrics:
Nobody knows the mountains we’ve been climbing
Nobody sees the valleys we are barely surviving
His eyes are on us tonight
We got to believe
His eyes are on us tonight
We are not forgotten
We are not alone
He is holding us and He’ll never let go
Nobody sees the fires we are facing
Nobody knows the future we’re embracing
His eyes are on us tonight
We got to believe
His eyes are on us tonight…
Honestly, it’s not my favorite song ever or anything like that, but the lyrics were just what I needed that night. And the fact that this song came on just as I was asking God if He really saw me, if He was really hearing me…it was encouraging to me anyway (and it helped me stay awake!).
So that’s where I’m at right now. Juggling homemaking (haven’t been doing much of that, really—just the bare minimum), my life here at home, and trips to the hospital. I expect this coming week to be more of the same.
Dear friends, please pray for us if you get a chance! Please pray that my dad would be healed and be able to go home and live life for the glory of God. His children and grandchildren and great-grandchild still want him around! ♥
Praying for you and your family.
Thank you so much, Kristy. ♥
I will definitely pray for you and your family. Difficult times are never easy even though we all go through them. Prayers for healing, comfort, peace and rest are on the way!
Thank you for praying, Jennifer!
Praying for you and your family, Joy.
Thank you, Bridget!
Heavenly Father… I just want to lift this dear sister and friend – along with her family to you! In particular, her dad. This is a very, very scary and trying time – no doubt. But, Lord.. YOU are sovereign – you know the end of the matter from the beginning. Lord, I pray that you would sustain, comfort and bring healing as you see fit. Lord, that you would make yourself known in and through this situation. May Joy and her family feel your hand of comfort and care… through this time. Verses from Isaiah 43 come to mind… verses 2-4… may these words (of truth) bring peace and hope and comfort to their hearts this day. We love you Lord… thank you for hearing our prayers today. ~ amen.
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Joy – you will continue to be on my heart, and I'll praying for you!!
What a comforting prayer. Thank you so, so much, Bevy! ♥
Dear Joy, I am so sorry you are all going through this, and I am praying for you.
Thank you so much, Gwen.
I will be praying for you and your family.
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
Joy, I have been praying for you and your family today. What a blessing to have a brother who will pray in the hall of the hospital with you.
Thank you so much, Becca. We desperately need your prayers.
Saying a prayer right now for your dad and you for healing, comfort, and strength. I've been in similar places and God always shows Himself near – after all He promised to be near to the brokenhearted. Many blessings.
Thank you, Rebecca!
You don't need to ask Joy I started praying before I even finished reading your post
Glad God was able to show you he was with you
I will keep your Father and all of you in my thoughts and prayers
Fiona x
Thank you so much for praying, Fiona!
I will be praying for you! I know all what you mean! Mine for me started Oct 20 till the last week of December. It was with my uncle who had no children, but just his wife. I was POA and we started in one hospital, than a rehab, than another hospital farther away, rehab again and than a Hospice in patient unit. The day I cam home from the funeral my children had a welcome home sign with streamers and a card for me. I realized I guess I really wasn't home much. At Hospice I moved in with him for his last five days. I must say I was glad to be there threw it all. He really didn't have other family that could get away. I don't have small children and mine could take care of themselves. They lacked good home cooked meals, but they did get threw it. We did have help from my church to clean ect.
It is hard, but God does give you the strength to get threw it. I found if I keep drinking, eating, and getting rest I got threw it. We would eat out a lot and get good hot meals.
Praying that you may gain strength, peace, and comfort from the only one above who can do this for us.
Wow, that sounds like you've been through a lot lately, Jo. What a servant spirit you have, to be there for your uncle. Thank you so much for encouraging me and for praying!
I will be praying Joy. Be patient and merciful with yourself, as far as what you accomplish. Jesus loves you and is always with you.
Thank you so much for this encouragement and for praying, Brooke!
I'll pray for your father , you and your family from the bottom of my heart.
Franca
Thank you, Franca!
Dear Father… we know that you are the light in are darkest places… I pray you give this sweet family supernatural peace, rest, and comfort… we know that you are our Healer… and our Great Physician. I pray Joy's Dad will experience both your healing and your peace. Give the doctors and nurses wisdom… In Jesus Name, Amen
p.s. will continue to pray
Thank you so much for your prayers, Leanne! That means a lot to me.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” 2 Cor. 12:9.
Oh, Joy, I know this has got to be such a hard time for your family, but God is ALWAYS good and He is faithful. Find those verses to rehearse during those ugly dark (overtired) moments. I will be praying for you and for your dad.
Warmly,
Carol
Thank you for sharing that, Carol! That verse is very encouraging. And thank you so much for praying.
I am praying for you and your dear father. The dark times when your faith is tested is truly the hardest. May you find comfort and peace.
Thank you so much, Sara. Your prayers mean so much to me. ♥