The Winter of My Soul

“Sometimes the state of our souls seems as hopeless as the state of the trees in wintertime. Nothing can possibly be happening, God has forgotten us, the idea of springtime is preposterous.” ~Elisabeth Elliot
 
“How hopeless the naked wood of a fruit tree would look to us in February if we had never seen the marvel of springtime!” ~Lilias Trotter
I’ve been a Christian for many years, and I’m no stranger to life’s valleys. There are times where the road takes a turn and suddenly you find yourself walking through a dark and difficult experience, wondering where the relief is. Everything seems gray and dismal, and you wonder if this long winter will ever give way to springtime at all.
Even before January 1st, I had a feeling that 2016 held something painful for us. It was just an uncomfortable feeling I couldn’t quite shake.
I even felt like it might have something to do with my dad, who I love so dearly. In October of 2015, I wrote my dad a letter, telling him how much he means to me. My letter outlined all of his accomplishments and my thankfulness to him for being a great dad to my brother and me. I mentioned his service in the army, how he worked hard to finish college, and how he excelled in his chosen career field.
I actually sent him several letters like this. I also sent him several “just because” emails, telling him how much I love him and sending him a special song that I thought would speak to him. I also made sure to give him a big hug and tell him I loved him every time I would see him.
I’m so glad I did that. I haven’t been able to communicate with my dad in a meaningful way since he suddenly got sick 44 days ago. He has either been sedated or in too much pain to talk or even to listen. At least I know I got to tell him how much he means to me before all of this happened.
Today is Dad’s 44th day of being sick, and his 33rd day in the hospital, most of which has been spent in the ICU. He’s had 3 surgeries and has been in 3 different ICU’s now (surgical, abdominal, cardiac, and now respiratory).
I have spent many days up at the hospital, driving an hour and a half to get there and then not getting home until late at night. I’ve eaten hospital food and gone up and down the elevators and paced the ICU waiting room waiting for visiting hours to begin. I’ve watched nurses give injections, watched them dress his wounds, and prayed many prayers for his relief while he struggled to breathe or when he winced in pain.
I took a picture of myself in the bathroom one night before I left the hospital (I covered my face with the phone on purpose because my eyes look so bloodshot and tired!).
Rather than good news, it seems things get a little worse each day. My dad did make it through his last surgery, but then things quickly started going downhill.
Today my dad had to be intubated so that the ventilator can do his breathing for him. He’s had a feeding tube for a couple days since he has been unable to eat. So, now he’s neither eating nor breathing on his own.
My heart aches when I think of how my dad looked when I left the hospital yesterday afternoon. He was in a great deal of discomfort because he was retaining too much fluid. His kidneys aren’t working properly and they’re talking about dialysis.
My mom continues to spend most of her time up at the hospital and it’s really wearing on her. Still, she’s sweet, patient, and loving. I’m so thankful for her.
I took the photo at the top of this post yesterday morning as I drove to the hospital. The weather was clear and I listened to worship music as I drove. Sometimes I listen to the Bible on CD, just to keep my mind focused on truth.
And now we have a stomach bug going around at our house! It seems that one thing after another is happening that I would not choose. It seems that’s often the way it is—trial upon trial heaped one on top of the other until you can barely stand it.I’ve been finding comfort in the writings of Elisabeth Elliot. I discovered her books twenty years ago at a Christian bookstore. And ever since then she has been a mentor and source of help for me. Last week I remembered this book, which has been on my shelf for years:

It’s just what I needed to read right now. In addition to the meaningful words in this book, I’ve also been finding and loving so many other quotes by Elisabeth lately. I’m planning to share many of them on my Facebook page for the next few weeks.
I’m so thankful for Elisabeth’s encouragement that God is still at work, even in the midst of our sorrow and pain.

“When our souls lie barren in a winter which seems hopeless and endless, God has not abandoned us. His work goes on. He asks our acceptance of the painful process and our trust that He will indeed give resurrection life.” ~Elisabeth Elliot

16 Comments

  2. I've been wandering how your dad's surgery went. I'm so sorry to hear that he's not doing well. I'll continue to pray for his healing and the rest of your family as you watch him go through this. The letters you wrote to him sound so sweet and I'm sure they mean a lot to him.

    Reply

  6. Praying for you Joy (and the rest of your family). Hang in there sweetie! God uses everything for good for those who love Him. …. but you already knew that. (: Bless you sister ~ ((Hugs))

    Mitzi

    Reply

  7. Joy,
    I am so sorry for your father's continued health problems. I have prayed for you and your entire family along with special prayers for your father's healing. This must be the hardest thing your family has ever had to endure. It sounds very similar to what happened to my father in law.

    The quotes you posted are very poignant. You must hold on to them. I will continue to keep your family in my prayers.
    Darlene

    Reply

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