Blogging is strange. On a blog, you can share whatever you want and omit what you don’t want others to know about you. You can “stage” a room to make it look perfect, while just outside the picture there’s a huge mess. (Not that I know anything about that, but just saying!)
My husband and I have a joke between us. Sometimes when there’s a mess somewhere, my husband will say, “Blog this!” Ha ha. I always tell him that no one wants to see that! But sometimes I think it’s healthy to show the “real” side of life. I know when I’ve read posts by other bloggers about how they’re going through something difficult or just sharing about their own humanness and personal struggles, I actually feel closer to them.
Every once in awhile I receive an email from a reader wanting to know how I “do it all.” They see the projects or photos I share and they assume that I must have it all together or be more organized or a better homemaker than they are.
The real truth is that I don’t do it all! There’s so much that I don’t do.
The things I share here are the things that actually got done and that I was happy with and thought it would be fun to share. But that doesn’t mean that my laundry is always caught up or that there aren’t dirty dishes soaking in the sink or a mess in the bathroom!
I’m just like you. I’ve had disappointments, discouragements, set-backs, joys, sorrows, happiness, fear, and pain. Our circumstances may not be identical, but we all experience a measure of these things in life.
One of my main desires for this blog is that you would leave here inspired and encouraged. I don’t want anyone to feel bad or inadequate or like you just can’t measure up.
For quite some time, what I’ve been longing for this blog is that there would be a sense of community and openness. And that requires some vulnerability on my part.
So today, I thought I’d share a few things that I don’t do, just as an encouragement to those of you who may be struggling and feeling discouraged.
- I don’t do our grocery shopping. My husband does it all, and he has for years. He is very good at it, he enjoys doing it, and I’m happy to let him continue. 🙂
- My husband also places and picks up our monthly Azure Standard co-op orders.
- My husband occasionally cooks, especially when he can tell I’m feeling overwhelmed (have I mentioned that I LOVE my husband?!).
- I only have five children. Some of you have housefuls of children (which I always hoped for, but that’s not my reality at this point).
- I don’t have any babies or toddlers right now. Toddlers and babies require lots of extra energy!
- My oldest daughter (age 14) makes breakfast every morning. My 12-year-old usually makes lunch. I make my lunch and my husband’s, since we have different dietary needs than our children.
- My husband works from home. We have made many sacrifices in order for him to stay at home, and there aren’t a lot of perks (insurance, paid vacation, or sick leave), but it is nice to have another adult in the house!
- I keep our meals very simple, usually rotating through the same basic recipes (I like to have a seasonal menu plan that stays the same each month–for instance, lots of salads and fresh produce in the summer, and more soups and comfort foods in the fall and winter.)
- I encourage my children to do a lot of their schoolwork independently, especially as they get older.
- I don’t usually draw, paint, crochet, etc. The only time I knit or do embroidery or cross stitch is when I’m in the van with my husband driving. Projects get completed very slowly, since this only happens about once a month.
- I don’t fold laundry. I wash it all and my daughters fold it. I have a shelf in our basement by the washer and dryer, and keep laundry baskets on the shelves. As I wash, I just put the clean clothes in the baskets on the shelves. After they’re all full, the girls have a laundry folding time in the afternoon.
- I stay home all week. We only have church one day a week (Sunday morning), and we’re not part of any other activities outside of that. We aren’t members of a homeschool co-op or any other groups that require being away from home during the week. This allows lots of time for working on projects at home.
These are just the things that came to mind that I don’t do. Some of you probably do many or all of these things yourselves or without help! Maybe you have a larger family or more outside-the-home activities. But then you might also have some advantages that I don’t have, such as household help, a regular babysitter or “day off,” or a higher income. The idea is that we all have different life circumstances that we have to deal with, and no one’s life is perfect.
Most of all, I want you to feel welcome and encouraged here!
Sarah says
January 23, 2017 at 4:24 pmTHANK YOU! People are always saying this to me and what’s funny is I constantly feel like I am drowning. I am surrounded by homeschooling families with 10 to fifteen kids and I only have 4. I have often felt sad or inadequate when I see them having it all together. But luckily, I am learning that comparison is the thief of contentment. God has given me my life and I must do my life to the best of my ability. As St. Francis deSales says “God wants you to be you, to be you well.” 🙂 I would like to become more organized however, and have found your blog very helpful. Thank you!
Joy Kincaid says
January 23, 2017 at 7:30 pmLove that quote, Sarah! Thanks for sharing it. So glad you stopped by! 🙂
Paula says
October 7, 2013 at 10:23 pmGreat post! Thanks so much for your honesty and encouragement!
Joy Kincaid says
October 8, 2013 at 2:16 amThank you, Paula!
About Jessica says
October 7, 2013 at 1:37 amThanks so much for sharing! I know that many of us moms feel like we SHOULD be able to do it all, but we just can't. I can't stay home all week or I go crazy! I'm a go, go, go type person. But to do that, other things get dropped. We can't do everything. I actually just wrote about this the other day. 🙂 http://candleinthenightblog.blogspot.com/2013/10/lets-get-real.html
Joy Kincaid says
October 8, 2013 at 2:15 amThanks, Jessica! And thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
Joluise says
October 5, 2013 at 8:54 amI don't iron my husbands clothes:)) he does and he also loves to vacuum the house and I am very happy to let him do that task. But he isn't a great cook, so that is something I do each night. I am an extrovert and love going out, no way could I stay home all week – I would climb the walls!! But we are all different and thats fine.
Nice to discover your blog.
Blessings
Joluise xx
Joy Kincaid says
October 6, 2013 at 1:03 amOh, I'm with you on the ironing! I hardly ever iron anything, unless we're going somewhere special. 🙂 It's such a blessing to be able to work as a team as husband and wife!
You know, after I said that I stay home all week, then I realized how often my plan to stay home is interrupted, and I do end up getting out more than I'd like to! But you're right, we're all different, and we need to go with what works for each individual.
So glad you stopped by, Joluise!
Rebecca Ann says
October 3, 2013 at 1:27 pmI <3 this post! Thank you so much for being humble and saying I don't do it all Joy. 🙂
In Christ with love,
Rebecca
Joy Kincaid says
October 3, 2013 at 9:39 pmThank you, Rebecca! ♥
Kelly S. says
October 2, 2013 at 5:12 pmStopping by via the Encourage One Another link up. I've been married for a little over a year and we plan to wait at least a little longer before kids, but may I just say thank you for your words today — I feel God has been giving me some insight lately into motherhood and removing some potential sources of guilt even before that season of life. Your post reminds me the importance of being content where God has us.
Joy Kincaid says
October 3, 2013 at 9:38 pmThanks so much for stopping by, Kelly! Oh, yes, we all need to remember to be thankful and content, right where God has us. Thank you so much for sharing such encouragement!
My Spiritual Journey says
October 2, 2013 at 5:12 pmI love this article, I kinda was starting to feel weird! I have 5 children and one on the way and I try not to go anywhere! My friend always want me to come over during the day ( they have less children) and I am like sorry I have laundry or the kitchen duties etc. They think I am nuts! It is encouraging to see that I am not weird, also my children do A LOT of house work although I am right around the corner or on my way to come and help or teaching and training the little ones:) So they are very pleased to help me thank you again, I think you handled this topic very gracefully:) Blessings to you and your family.
Joy Kincaid says
October 3, 2013 at 9:33 pmWe sound very similar! Thanks so much for your sweet words! 🙂
Sherry says
October 2, 2013 at 3:17 amThanks for the reminder about priorities and comparisons. The ideal is such a lovely…well, ideal! Sometimes it is hard to remember that we are seldom able to maintain that "ideal" in real life (at least not long enough for the sink or laundry basket to stay empty!). I agree with the lady who commented on the "rustic and homey" look of your pile of dishes! Bless you for sharing your reality….it has made my own a bit less daunting for today.
Joy Kincaid says
October 3, 2013 at 9:32 pmThank you, Sherry! Your comment about my dishes made me laugh–they're anything but "rustic and homey" in real life! 🙂
Missy says
October 1, 2013 at 6:34 pmI have to admit that I do find it encouraging when other moms who seem to have it all together admit that they don't 🙂 That's not easy to admit sometimes, but I'm thankful that you did! I went through a season of depression where I felt I just couldn't measure up to all the other moms I knew who seemed like they were doing a way better job than I could ever do. Then I got to know some of them a little better and found out that they are struggling with a lot of the same things I am! Even more surprising was to find out that when they looked at my life, they thought I was better than them at certain things! It was an eye-opening experience for me, and it helped me A LOT to see that I wasn't alone in my imperfections, and that in reality, I was doing better than I thought I was 🙂 Thank you for sharing!
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 11:25 pmThank you for this encouraging comment, Missy! It's so easy for us to compare ourselves with others. I've done it, too. And all it does is make me feel bad. 🙂 I think if we could all see into the lives of other women, we'd find that we all have struggles, just like you said. And how much better it is when we can encourage each other, rather than comparing or judging! Many blessings to you!
Karilynn says
October 1, 2013 at 1:47 pmThank you very much for this post. I haven't been following for long, but have definitely felt warmth & welcoming from you! Even so, it is almost a breath of fresh air to be reminded that you are only human, just like me. I can relate in that I "only" have four children and sometimes feel like I don't have a houseful either, since I grew up in a family of nine. Having said that, I still feel like I'm going crazy most days with what I'm NOT getting done (though, my wonderful hubby reminds me of how much I DO get done often). I may only have four children, but they are ages 5, 4, 3, and 7 months…..yeah, it is a messy, fun time in our lives right now! 🙂
Anyway, my compliments to your photo of dishes in the sink! Love how someone else's pile of dirty dishes looks somehow rustic and homey, when mine just looks like a mess! 😀
Blessings to your family!
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 11:19 pmThanks, Karilynn! Yes, I'm only human too! And four children that are 5,4,3, and 7 months is a super-busy time! I'm sure they'll love growing up together. 🙂 And I can assure you that my dirty dishes look just like a mess in person! 🙂 Blessings to you!
Kristi says
October 1, 2013 at 1:42 pmI really enjoyed your post! Thank you for writing it. I had to smile at the remark about five kids. I grew up the middle of five and it didn't seem like a full house. It was normal for us. When we my youngest brother and sister were in elementary school my mom got a huge surprise and our five became seven. 🙂 My husband and I are expecting our fourth late spring and are currently shopping for a van… And I now understand why our mom always sent us outside during the warm days so she could get some housework done. 🙂 Keep up the good work!
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 11:15 pmThank you, Kristi! Congratulations on your fourth little one! And yes, I've also sent my kids outside on warm days so I could work in peace! 🙂
NCLighthousekeeper says
October 1, 2013 at 1:39 pmI have shared a similar list with the new homeschool moms I mentor each year – the Things I Do and the Things I Don't Do. It is a great reminder that each of us has different priorities, different tolerances, different callings on our lives, different seasons….. I homeschool, I mentor, I bake cupcakes, I chair the homeschool prom, I lead a geography club, etc. etc. but I don't teach Sunday school, I don't have small children in the house any more ( in fact I'm down to one teenager), I am not taking care of aging or ill family members, I do not garden, etc. etc.
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 11:11 pmYes! The point you made is the point I was hoping to make. As you said, "each of us has different priorities, different tolerances, different callings on our lives, different seasons…" I love that! Thanks so much for sharing.
Cassie says
October 1, 2013 at 1:36 pmI found you through the Modest Mom, and I so enjoyed reading this post! The picture of the piled up sink had me! 🙂 Mine looks the same way right now, well actually all the time it seems! I also relate to staying home all week. I do get out occasionally, but I actually like being home everyday. I appreciate you sharing "real-life" with us. I'm not sure how you do it with 5 kids…I only have 3 (all boys) and they keep me busy! 🙂 Blessings to your family!
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 11:09 pmSo glad to meet you, Cassie! Yes, the piled up sink is a familiar sight around here, especially when we're doing a lot of cooking! 🙂 Things used to be harder, but now that my kids are getting older, there's a lot that I don't do since we all share the workload! Blessings to your family also!
BNA mom says
October 1, 2013 at 12:47 pmI am very much an introvert, but Im also a single mom of three, and I long to live your life.lol I would love to leave my home once a week and chose who I have to have contact with every day! I homeschool two of my kids, and the oldest attends public high school. If I had things my way, all 3 would be homeschooled on our farm ten miles from town, and dads would never leave. I admire you!! So glad i found your page. <3 You family sounds lovely!
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 11:05 pmI admire you for all the hard work you do as a single mom! Many blessings to you as you serve your family! ♥
Nita says
October 1, 2013 at 12:44 pmI totally love this post! I admit, I do a lot. But I also have a great husband who helps me. We also empower our kids to take care of the home so I virtually only cook, but don't have to do dishes, clean the bathrooms, do yard work. I work in the day, come home do homeschooling, prep dinner (either crockpot or oven cooked) then my husband takes over any left over schooling (most all done by DVD or online interactive teaching methods). My house isn't clean Tue-Sat, but you know what? We are happy. Just like you. Again, great post 😀
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 11:00 pmWow, Nita, it does sound like you are super-busy! But it also sounds like you have a wonderful husband and a great system in place! Thanks so much for your kind words!
The Handmaden says
October 1, 2013 at 12:35 pmGreat post, I can really identify with this (in fact, I almost could have written it myself besides a few minor differences!) It's so true- we all have our talents and skills which can be very different yet equally as important. I also rely on my husband a lot and he is such a help. You are so blessed to have your husband home with you, this is one of our dreams as a family 🙂
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 10:58 pmSo glad you stopped by, and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Anonymous says
October 1, 2013 at 12:22 pmHi there. I found this from In the Nursery of the Nation. I giggled when you said you don't have a houseful of children. I only have one child, and he's 13. (I got started late and I had health issues that prevented my having more). I still don't get everything done. I wish I could have had at least one more child, if not more. I enjoyed your site. I do struggle with people thinking I should have everything done since I only have one child. Yes, the messes are fewer, but most of the work is done by me since my husband is at work and I go to co op so my son can have interaction with other kids. I am gone from the house much more than I like. So don't feel bad that you don't get everything done. No one really does. It is all an allusion. –Kristin M.
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 10:54 pmThanks so much for stopping by, Kristin! I remember when I had one child and another mother (who had 6) asked me what I could possibly have to be stressed out about since I only had one. As if life was easy because I didn't have a large number of children. She couldn't have known about the health issues my husband had, job and financial struggles, and many other issues we were dealing with. All I remember is the feeling of not being understood simply because I "only" had one child.
From that difficult time in my life, I've learned not to look at another mother and assume she must have it easier just because she has fewer (or no) children. We all have our own circumstances and struggles. And I agree with you that no one ever gets everything done! My mom has no children at home, and she says it's still difficult to get it all done! 🙂
Ellen says
October 1, 2013 at 11:18 amThrough the years of being blessed to know you, there are so many encouragements you have given, even before the internet came into our lives. 🙂 I have implemented several of your organizational ideas which have made me quite happy because those little things (like a school calendar for example) can make all the difference.
My kitchen is my "office" and there are days when it, as well as other parts of the house, look quite scary to say the least. I have stopped comparing myself to that "perfect homeschool mom" who has everything together every day. Posts like this one help other Mamas to feel real because we all have those days and sharing them is such a help.
Blessings to you Joy!♥
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 10:44 pmEllen, you're such a sweet friend! ♥ I know, I used to have an ideal of the "perfect homeschool mom" in my mind…and then I found out that she doesn't exist. It's actually a relief to find out that she doesn't exist–that way I can just be myself. 🙂
Laura Lane says
October 1, 2013 at 4:37 amI adored this ultra honest post. It's so easy to compare ourselves and find ourselves lacking.
Blessings,
Laura
who only has four children
Harvest Lane Cottage
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 10:40 pmThank you, Laura! You're right, it is so easy to compare, and it's so damaging. Many blessings to you!
Cheryl says
October 1, 2013 at 3:53 amIt's a tenuous balance, isn't it? Being "real" and making others feel welcome and destroying the illusion…versus airing our soiled garments and gossiping about our families? Because who really wants to hear about the disagreement I had with my husband or see my messes piled up or see my unfinished projects?
I appreciate your candor and willingness to put others at ease! The whole idea is to "consider one another in order to stir up love and good works" (Hebrews 10)…and you do that well.
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 10:38 pmThank you so much, Cheryl!
Jenn says
October 1, 2013 at 2:35 amI am just wondering how you handle staying home all the time, with no contact with other adults. I try to stay home as much as possible but some days it just gets to me! Also, could I ask what your husband does that he's able to work from home? And I think that's great that he does the grocery shopping. Does he make the list too or do you have to do that?
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 2:51 amHi Jenn,
I'm an introvert, so staying home is where I'm happiest. If a mom is an extrovert, I'm sure she'd probably need to find ways to see other adults occasionally. 🙂 But for me, I LOVE the solitude of my home. And I think I might be more prone to get lonely sometimes, but I get to talk to my husband many times a day, so I don't feel deprived. 🙂
My husband has several computer-related jobs he does, which enable him to do the work from home.
We keep a running grocery list on our refrigerator for things we run out of, and everyone adds to that list. Since I keep the meals simple, my husband has our basic meal plan pretty much memorized. He does buy things he finds on sale, and he likes shopping at discount grocery stores, too, so he often brings home "surprises," which varies our menu to some degree. I have made a basic menu plan to go by, though, and I did all the planning there. But it pretty much stays the same from week to week unless I have something special I want to make, and then I just add those ingredients to the list.
Kristin says
October 1, 2013 at 1:16 amThis post was definately an encouragement to me! 🙂 Having a baby to keep up with while we homeschool makes very little time to do anything extra. Most days I feel like we're just trying to survive. With homeschool, cooking, cleaning up after ourselves, and making sure everyone has a bath/shower, it seems like that is all we have time for in this season. I've been working on trying to let some of the housework go and my own expectations of how things should be and just enjoy my family. Thanks for sharing how you don't do it all, although I still think you're pretty awesome! 😉 ~Kristin Eason
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 2:24 amAww, Kristin, that's very sweet of you! I think *you* are the awesome one! Missed getting to talk to you on Sunday. I'm right there with you in trying to let some things go and being in "survival mode" much of the time–and I don't even have a baby! 🙂
Leanne says
September 30, 2013 at 11:42 pmI just started reading your blog through a link on Modest Mom! I enjoy your outfits…they are so cute! I just started wearing skirts daily this year and so I'm always looking for cute ideas. I homeschool THREE little boys– 8,7, and 5… so, there is a lot I don't do either 🙂
I feel very encouraged by your blog and thanking you for sharing your heart!
Leanne in Indiana
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 2:22 amWelcome, Leanne! Thank you so much for leaving such an encouraging comment, and I hope to see you again! 🙂
Wendy says
September 30, 2013 at 9:03 pmSo I have to laugh that you feel like you don't have a housefull of children. I feel like I have a housefull with 2 little girls! 5 would be more than a housefull for me! But bless you for sharing your reality. It's so easy with social media to think everyone else has got it figured out, everyone but me. 🙂 Oh the things the enemy gets us to believe!
Joy Kincaid says
September 30, 2013 at 9:13 pmI guess it's because some of my friends have ten or more! But when they were younger, yes, the house did seem pretty full. And it still does, especially on a winter day when everyone is stuck inside together for weeks!! 🙂
You're so right about how easy it is to feel like everyone else is doing it right or has everything figured out. I've felt that way many times, and yes, it's a lie from the enemy!
Heather Mora says
September 30, 2013 at 8:46 pmarrived at your blog via raising homemakers. i really like this post, thank you for sharing. I too love to get glimpses into peoples everyday routines and such, it helps to know how others do what they do. I think it is too funny that you think of five kids as "not that many" – that is awesome!! Hehe, we only have two at the moment… I think when we get to three, four or even five it might feel like a lot to us 🙂 But I know what you were trying to say 🙂 I hope to read more, I added your blog to my WordPress Reader. Blessing to you and your family!
Joy Kincaid says
September 30, 2013 at 9:01 pmI so appreciated your comment, Heather! You made me laugh, too, about the "only five kids" thing! I guess I feel like I have a small family since so many of my friends have many more children than we do. But, yes, on some days five does seem like a lot (especially when they were younger)! 🙂
Thanks again for stopping by and leaving an encouraging comment!
MyAdventure;MyLife says
October 1, 2013 at 12:41 pmI have five kids and sometimes it seems like a lot but sometimes I feel like someone is missing, as if we should have had more. I kind of wish I had a "Caleb" but that said, more pregnancies and I would have had lifelong health issues. Five is my quiver full. Your schedule sounds a lot like mine. I let my kids do most of the cleaning, though I have to go behind and see that it's done right. My 15 yr old does most of the cooking. I say it is part of her learning process and it's mostly true….;-) At dinner I am either cooking it myself or assisting her in a recipe she has not yet mastered. I make all my own bread…in a bread machine. I stay home all week. It's all very similar.
Joy Kincaid says
October 1, 2013 at 10:37 pmGlad you stopped by! It's funny, but my kids fight over the cooking duties–it's their favorite "chore," and they all look forward to it! Now cleaning is another matter… 🙂